后遗症

年纪大了 记忆开始衰退 是时候把一些回忆给删除
我选择.忘记我们
一起淋过的大雨
一起等过的寿司
一起放过的风筝
一起踏过的单车
一起挤过的巴士
一起看过的电影
一起尝过的西餐
一起share过的可乐
一起塞过的交通
一起聊过的通宵电话
一起看过的家私
一起听过的CD
一起唱过的生日歌
一起憧憬过的未来

虽然偶尔有点窒息 可是这社会让我明白 无论在什么情况之下 都要把最真实的一面 留给自己
只有自己知道自己要什么
You may know what you need, but to get what you want, better see that you keep what you have.

Summer Made In the USA

Can't believe summer is almost over, just a little bit of sunshine and hair blowing in the wind losing track in time.. I guess this is by far the best summer I had in spent in America - visited a couple places, had some spontaneous plans, met new circle of people and most importantly I get to know myself better.
Had some rough moments during this last trip to Santa Cruz and I am somewhat feeling disappointed. Not sure what to do but hopefully I will figure out something soon. *sad face*
With school starting in two days, I can't imagine what's gonna happen in the following months. Anyway done with ranting for now and here are some photos from Santa Cruz. Sadly there's no group photo because I decided to put on my bitch resting face for the remaining trip.

Santa Cruz Beach 

White people wearing skinny jeans to the beach and trying to make sandcastle..

...and then a perfect sandcastle

Emilie 

Begin Again

Here I am on a Wednesday in a cafe - blogging haha..
I've been taking writing class lately and I think the class is really helpful in terms of helping me to put out my thoughts on paper. Self-expression I guess. So where should I begin?

Let's start with my hair - incase you haven't heard or seen it on facebook, I dyed my hair blonde! I'm legit blonde now. (yay!) Don't ask me why because I probably can't tell you either. You know, sometimes you just woke up and feel like chopping off all your hair for no reason. It's one of those days. CRAY CRAY!

If I say I'm fully recovered that would be a lie because there's no effing cure for this. However I think I am more stable now than before, just not knowing when shit is gonna hit the fan again. I was so happy yesterday making meals and baking pie for dinner and waking up feeling so wonderful and shit took a 180 degree turn today as I wake up feeling like shit. Gosh this is horrible.

Anyway back to some life events update - went to Six Flags last weekend and got sunburnt! Dang it. I feel very bad because I don't think I did a good job organizing everything but everyone said they were pleased and happy. Still.. i don't know.. Fucking depression argh..

I don't know why I am feeling blue right now

you know you found your best friend when he bought u a gun knowing you have suicidal symptom :)

Duckface with Noah. FAILED

Homemade lasagna

Drinking with Uli AGAIN

Watched 'Only God Forgives' - most pretentious art film ever. 

homemade lime pie

Relief

Relief was always a good thing - back in school when a teacher comes in and tells us its relief period, its always the most cheerful moment.

Fast forward seven years later, relief has became a luxury that we can't afford in a daily basis. Work, school and taking care of ourselves - basically finding a relief time takes well organizing and planning in order to make it happen. It's like finding unicorns for people who aren't details-oriented like me.

Some may suggest, just take the easy way and quit your job if its drowning you. But the bigger question here is actually not my job. I was unhappy even before I begun this horrible journey of being mistreated. This job is just an extra kick to what was already bound to happen. This is the same dilemma I had over and over again for the course of the past few years. I am losing my balance. I feel suffocated. Things are changing and I can't control it. Can't do nothing about it.

Therefore, I came up with a solution. This really has nothing to do with anyone or anything. I am just trying to make myself less miserable. I'm tired of looking for listeners and being angry all the time. I know I am the only one who can help myself out of this misery. It was really nice to have a few of you who really cared for me at one point of my life. Really grateful for that. If you are reading this, I am doing you guys one last big favor. I am on my own now. Peace out!

Fear

I think I am finally catching up with my age lately. Not only I can't stay up all night, I started to be less productive, less fun and most importantly, I stop taking risk.

Is it really due to my age? Perhaps. But right now, I can only relate it to responsibility and fear. I almost don't remember how I did it the first time when I left this place filled with familiar faces and routes. I was very determined and strong hearted back then. Why am I having this hesitation this time around? It's clearly not my first time bidding farewell to people I love.

Fear has started to conquer me in a way I guess. I am afraid of losing a lot of stuffs lately - stuffs that didn't bother me when I first decided to put everything behind and venture into a whole new place by myself. This summer made me realized how much I actually placed on the table in exchange for a better future. I doubt if this future that seems so perfect will ever become a reality - or more importantly, do I see anyone from the present in the picture?

I used to think that - if you have a good life, e.g. nice job, nice car, nice house, the rest will just follow suits. However, I've been questioning myself as of lately - what if everything does come to life, but there's no one to share the joy with me?

I once heard this short story - a father wanted to make his family happy for life. So he set a goal to make a lot of money to bring happiness to his family. He started working real hard in order to provide a better life to the ones he loves. Day and night he worked without really having any interaction with his wife and kids because he was really determined to bring in more comfort to his family. His wife and kids were always having dinner without their husband and father because he'll be at work. Soon they all left. The father was really angry and upset. Why would they left someone who is trying his best to provide everything they needed?

I think this is a great example of how people lose track on their way to search for happiness. Sometimes its not about how delicious a food taste - its the experience - cooking together and creating memories are what makes the food taste better than it was.

I'm not sure if I am on the right path to bring in more happiness to the people around me - or I'm just simply drowning everyone while I blindly think this is the best I could do. I'm just not sure anymore.

Distance is all I am feeling lately.

是我勇敢太久

不善于沟通

最近开始发觉自己其实唔系好善于沟通
譬如话
同室友坐系同一厅 我地居然可以零交流 是我的问题吗？
或者我真系习惯左 自己一个人住 暂时未能适应
又或者 我系个大闷蛋 同我倾计好嘥气？

查实我依家系做紧夹心人 唉 自己拿来衰

好友鬼鬼搭住我度 室友原先都ok geh
鬼鬼并唔系无品或态度差 只系室友觉得他好似白吃白住 却系事实
虽然鬼鬼偶然会帮补添买食用品 但室友同我仍然觉得他好似无么贡献
再讲
鬼鬼系我geh好友 过去两周 真系玩到癫
影真打开眼界
绝对系 ‘如何用一蚊玩尽全世界’ geh 最佳人选
穷到隆都仲可以晚晚去蒲 交际能力叫人咋舌

话番转头 其实真正的导火线系源自今朝鬼鬼问我地
他geh阿哥可唔可以搭住一晚 haha
我本身系无问题 个人非常认同因果 或者我前世真系欠左他
但系室友就当场黑脸 将个波扔返俾我
sigh

好明显地 我geh答案系yes
但系就觉得室友好似恼左
唉
whatever啦
今朝有酒今朝醉
明天才打算明天吧

Self Discovery

You know when they say, who you're mixing with reflects who you are in person. Well now I realized this is so true. I've been hanging with a lot of random people these days and I kinda have a better understanding of myself, in terms of what I want and what I need.

Let's begin from the surface - I know I love movies - to an almost obsessed level. I like to voice my opinions over every effing movie I watched. It wasn't that obvious (maybe it is to some people) back home because we don't get good movie coming out every week. Here, I'm having a blast just attending all these random screenings of my choice. I love interpreting stories and what's not. Having my girl, Chelsea, moviebuddy/roommate/(fill in the blank) now is all I could asked for.

From movies, I realized I'm a person who preferred to have conflicts. Well get this straight, conflict doesn't equal to argument. I just don't see myself in a place like Utopia where everyone is just peace and calm and nice to everyone else. Anyway like that will ever happened.

You might think I am a person who's really good in talking but that's just the few things people assumed about me. I find it really hard to express myself, like my true feelings, even to my closest friends. Sometimes, I don't think people get what I was about to tell, so I would just shut down how I really feel and just go with what people think I am feeling. I don't think its really a bad thing because sometimes the truth hurts.

Owh and, as most people would think I am a street smart guy, I kinda begin to realize I'm more towards a nerd. Haha. I can spend my entire day in the house facing the computer reading facts that no one gives a shit but felt so content about it. I did try outdoor activities, skateboard? WTF. HAHA. But that clearly is not my thang. It was fun to try out new stuffs every now and then but I guess I'll just stick to the TV and theatre. You can take a boy out of the cinema but you can't take a cinema out of the boy. LOL

Well about stories that I've been getting drunk and fucked up a lot lately, well, that's partially, or should I say half true. I do drink but not like I'm getting fucked up every night. I think its good to loosen up once in awhile but I don't think I am able to do it everyday. It kinda loses the idea of drinking isn't it? Kudos to my friend who can think of a million way to get wasted and partying hard though. I envy his freewill of not worrying about the future but i guess that's just not how it works for me. I'm not ready for mankind evolution I guess. Haha

So to conclude my little self discovery - I am a shy, not outgoing, chilled geek who people nicknamed the walking fandango. Period.

Chasing Pavements

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong, I am right
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust
I know this is love
But, if I tell the world
I'll never say enough
'cause it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do
If I end up with you

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere

I build myself up
And fly around in circles
Waitin' as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally, could this be it


(I can't get enough of ADELE!! She just inspired my next work)

悠闲假期

时间飞逝 话甘快暑假就来放完 全世界都问我做左D咩 其实真系答唔出
真觉得自己好似废材 人就系矛盾 － 有野做时就懒懒行 无野做时就稳野做
原先geh plan系稳暑工－ 有啊 见十份有九份都feel到好似会请硬我甘 到最后都系无答复
算, 画画咯 应该容易稳工D 又唔系话无水准 点知死画烂画准备portfolio geh同时已经俾人截左胡
都算 参加比赛咯 总有D胜算瓜 胜系胜 统统都系胜在先 输在后 真系想爆粗

就系如此气馁geh时候 D好友们个个好似失晒踪甘 稳个人打气仲难过捞月
D倾得下geh就无拉拉sot过我 未开口吐苦水已经有一堆苦水哒落我块面度
sot D都仲有 失惊无神问我觉得他为人系点 认真地思考甘回覆，可能耐左D 点知他一句‘你好似敷衍紧我’ nia ma 激得我啊
都算 打起精神 最后geh冲刺帮我个design拉票 稳晒一堆旧同学来vote 心酸到 可能自己都有D唔岩 平时都无mat打招呼 无段段叫人家帮手系有D awakward 但系我总算系扯烂块脸吧 敷衍下我唔洗死瓜

真失败 过去的三个月好似真系么都无做过 除左每个礼拜睇几场free首映 which对某D人 甚至乎大部分人来讲，都觉得: 睇先zek, so? 有奖拿啊？ 这少少geh成就甘都俾抹杀左

好纳闷啊 真该反省 其实系我geh问题吗？
希望系假期完之前可以稳到份工 塞住D八婆geh口 但系我这个已经好幸运geh废柴 还会有上天geh眷顾吗？

My Conclusion Is..

After meeting up with so many different people around the world (sort of), here is my theory, hypothetically, on:
1. Malays are friendly
2. Chinese are materialistic / fucking think they are the smartest
3. Hispanics are helpful (mostly)
4. White people care most about themselves
5. Russians are mean and egotistical
6. Philippines are lazy and drunk 48/7
7. Thai are warm
8. Japanese are polite
10.Koreans are over patriotic
11.Indians know maths the best
12.Indonesians are horny
13.Arabians are hornier
14.Cambodians are naive
15.Vietnamese only help themselves
16.Brazilians are hot
17.Spaniards are hotter, less intelligent
18.Cubans are stubborn
19.African americans are nice and down to earth
20.Italians are all about money

FML hard.

Touch The Sky

Lose the Starbucks competition
Lose the apartment I applied
Not gonna lose you.

Rainy Day

Window Pane

Conversation

Slide

Fresh Air

Untitled

Can you guess which photo(s) wasn't altered via Photoshop?

Bad Day

Its a bad week for me I guess. Everything seems wrong. Looking forward to the weekend though. Hopefully everything will be alright. I just felt so disconnected with the world, or at least the place I came from. One thing I do learned out of this whole situation is, it doesn't matter what others think of you, its what you think of yourself matters the most. I spent too much time stuck in the past for the past years because those were the glory days of my life. They were. It was a milestone for me but I guess there's a bigger one ahead. So for now, I think I need to embrace the present because I believe the me, is better than myself from yesterday. - Random

R.I.P. Bobby

(Most) Malaysians Need Help

Not sure if any of you have watched a recent YouTube sensation called Rebecca Black with her adorable song "Friday" (video below) but I find it entertaining. I don't have any ears for music of whatsoever but I can tell she is not the best singer or has the 'talent' to carry a tune. But, people loved it. She must be doing something right. On the other hand, Kok Hong showed me a video of a local girl singing a song about "Welcome To Malaysia". (video below)

First of all, I just need to clear the air, the very moment I am blogging this, I still considered myself as a Malaysian (its hard to believe but I am telling the whole world I am from Malaysia, out loud!) I find it disgusting, that what people wrote to the poor girl video. Does she suck? Yes, big time. Is she degrading Malaysia? I don't think so. You see, if she is the only thing people can relate to Malaysia, well, I guess the problem is not her already right?

Well it doesn't come to surprise that most haters are posting negative comments simply because, she is not a Chinese/ she can't speak proper english/ she has indon slang (WTF?!)/ she is not as pretty as Rebecca Black (LAME)/ she dreamt TOO BIG (was there ever a dream too small? IDIOT!)/ etc etc. DAMN. Hating for all the wrong reasons.

So what if you are Malaysian Chinese. Are you smarter? If yes, what are you doing now to help improve the country? Complaining about everything and call every Malays you meet on the street pigs? Or saying Malays being racist? Why is your leader not doing anything to fix things? Doesn't that make him an idiot too? And you guys are idiots to vote for him at the first place? Oh, and not to forget that 'genius' who keeps writing songs about our government and doing some 'inspiring' shorts, did he contribute anything to the society besides rising chaos within? And you guys still buy whatever shit he sells.

So what if she can't speak proper english? That might not be her fault. Do you think she had the 'high education' level same like you did? If she had, do you think she's gonna be doing the video at all? She might ended up being like one of you who claimed to have the perfect grammar error free fluent english and still talk like .. I don't know, I am not in a position to judge. You can have all your bombastic words in your 500 pages of speech but at the end of the day, you might just be practicing to yourself in front of the mirror. Or show off to your friends once in awhile when you have 'foreigner visitors'. Not sure to you, but that kinda sounds like a loser to me.

She dreamt too big. Wow. She doesn't has the face in the field. If that's the case, what the fuck is Steven Tyler and Susan Boyle doing in the showbiz. For those who don't know who they are, shame on you. Or maybe, your dream is that big it can only content yourself and your delusional future that might not even come. Nuff said.

So back to Rebecca Black. To me, they are the same thing. So why is Rebecca Black a trending topic on Twitter for the entire week and Rosalinda is getting (still counting) all these backlashes from all you beloved Malaysians? People should really take funny and mean the right way.

This is the sad thing. I am really proud of being a Malaysian. I love our inside jokes but sometimes I think there should be a limit of what you say to others. No matter how much I complained about our country (not gonna stop) but I still hold hopes because I know, out there, there are people like me (hopefully) who is civilized enough to be witty and talk shits at the right time instead. That being said, I think I am smarter than you, I'm sorry, just a fact check.

It's Not JUST A MOVIE

OK. I just need to clear whats in my mind now. I was gettin' some backlashes lately because some stupid debates over movies. Why am I taking comments for movies so seriously? It's just a movie. Let it go. Well, to me, its my job and I paid for movies so I get a say on them. I'm sorry if you are fans of Transformers, Step Up Series, Vampire Sucks, Little Fockers (Ben Stiller), Jack Black, SANCTUM, and the list goes on, I'm sorry, these movies sucks, BIG TIME.

For most of you, maybe all of you who are reading, watching movie is just an entertainment thing, stuffs you do to kill time. But for some people, movies change their lives. I read an essay recently about how a refugee in Tibet struggled his way to Hollywood to become a director after he watched "Forrest Gump". Crazy much? I don't think so. *incase you think I am just making up stories - the title of the article is "Young Buddhist Warrior"*

For me, I think movies made huge impact in my life. One third of my language are learned from movies. In other word, movies shaped parts of who I am today. This is why I am doing what I am doing now because I think I can relate myself to it, not because how much I am gonna earn doing this (partly). So, for people to tell me I am being too persistent over just a movie kinda pisses me off. If I can't raise my opinion on what I am passionate about, what am I supposed to do else? Lose interest in life and stuck in textbooks with 500 pages full off bones and algebra or rocket science? I am not sayin' other jobs are not cool but that doesn't mean my work is any less cooler.

Also, I am not trying to tell you how right I am on movies and film stuffs. My initial intention was just to warn people of what's nice and whats not. I think bad movies (in this case, Transformers) deserve to have poor box office for not respecting the audience at the first place. Same applies to good movies. In the end, I am not the one who pays for the tickets, you guys can decide what to watch. You don't have to agree with me. This is what makes the world a greater place - diversity.

I apologized if my critics don't get along with yours but that doesn't make you right either. All I am saying is, I know what I am saying because (not that I am boasting) this is what I am good at, or the only thing I am good in. If I can't tell what's good and bad movie, I guess my entire future career is on the edge. So, please, forgive me, let me be right for this one. You guys can have science, maths and law.

"If you don't stand for something, you fall for everyting - Sucker Punch"

Judge/ Be Judged

Who are we to judge one's right or wrong? If knowing that, voicing your opinion is gonna hurt someone, will you still do it? Why? Are you gonna justify yourself by saying, because true friends always tell the truth? What makes your opinion the truth then? Do you even know what was the truth?

The truth is - it's a mad world we are living in. Shit things happened. The only one who knows the truth are God and ourselves. There is no reason for us to judge others life.

If a friend tell you, he has been drunk and high for half his life; Are you gonna tell him go to hell?

If a friend tell you, he is gay; Are you gonna tell him you're sorry and make him your enemy?

If a friend tell you, he is muslim/ jews/ buddhist/ christian; Are you gonna stop praying for him or wish him well?

Most of the time we think we know what is wrong. Not only we think it is wrong, we think everyone should agree that it is wrong. Why? I think its time for everyone to stop judging one's life. Life is too short to keep an eye on everyone else's. Just follow our intuition and do what we think is right for us. Don't be afraid of getting judged because the people around us are not gonna be there to see things happen. We are in the same learning process, just different path, going through different experiences. We will eventually be in the same place.

(p/s: I might sound like an effing hypocrite by posting this because I do judge people too. I admit. I am learning not to. It's a long process.)

Rainbow After The Storm

I swear to You-Know-Who I was this close to give up my dreams last week as everything doesn't go well or as hell. Literally EVERYTHING. I wanna go home so badly. Depressed gao gao. *I am stealing a quote from Pau Pau:*

Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

Thomas A. Edison

ThankGod I hang in here for awhile longer. I got my exam result paper today. Guess what? Its 100%! WTF! I don't remember the last time I got a 100%! And most of my midterms grades are out today too! 3 out of 4 subjects are A-/A/A+, with only 1 exceptional C+, stupid Analysis of Form class, which by the way, according to the teacher, is the average score he gave to the students in class. If I work my way harder, I would get a B eventually. Or so I hope.

100% !! 

And then comes to me moving out soon. Its so happy and exciting sad that I am leaving my family friends here. I wish them nothing but all well in the future, sincerely. I think my next post is either gonna be my muppet making process or the moving out day. Till then, PACCA.

(p/s: I'm getting used to my new name - Mint.)

Back To December

Taylor Swift - Back to December

(We've decided to redo our homework and didn't present it. Sigh.)

Gray

San Francisco has finally started to rain. Bitter. Each photos represent different feelings of mine now. Figure it out if you bother to.