Fear

I think I am finally catching up with my age lately. Not only I can't stay up all night, I started to be less productive, less fun and most importantly, I stop taking risk.

Is it really due to my age? Perhaps. But right now, I can only relate it to responsibility and fear. I almost don't remember how I did it the first time when I left this place filled with familiar faces and routes. I was very determined and strong hearted back then. Why am I having this hesitation this time around? It's clearly not my first time bidding farewell to people I love.

Fear has started to conquer me in a way I guess. I am afraid of losing a lot of stuffs lately - stuffs that didn't bother me when I first decided to put everything behind and venture into a whole new place by myself. This summer made me realized how much I actually placed on the table in exchange for a better future. I doubt if this future that seems so perfect will ever become a reality - or more importantly, do I see anyone from the present in the picture?

I used to think that - if you have a good life, e.g. nice job, nice car, nice house, the rest will just follow suits. However, I've been questioning myself as of lately - what if everything does come to life, but there's no one to share the joy with me?

I once heard this short story - a father wanted to make his family happy for life. So he set a goal to make a lot of money to bring happiness to his family. He started working real hard in order to provide a better life to the ones he loves. Day and night he worked without really having any interaction with his wife and kids because he was really determined to bring in more comfort to his family. His wife and kids were always having dinner without their husband and father because he'll be at work. Soon they all left. The father was really angry and upset. Why would they left someone who is trying his best to provide everything they needed?

I think this is a great example of how people lose track on their way to search for happiness. Sometimes its not about how delicious a food taste - its the experience - cooking together and creating memories are what makes the food taste better than it was.

I'm not sure if I am on the right path to bring in more happiness to the people around me - or I'm just simply drowning everyone while I blindly think this is the best I could do. I'm just not sure anymore.

Distance is all I am feeling lately.

是我勇敢太久