Begin Again

Here I am on a Wednesday in a cafe - blogging haha..
I've been taking writing class lately and I think the class is really helpful in terms of helping me to put out my thoughts on paper. Self-expression I guess. So where should I begin?

Let's start with my hair - incase you haven't heard or seen it on facebook, I dyed my hair blonde! I'm legit blonde now. (yay!) Don't ask me why because I probably can't tell you either. You know, sometimes you just woke up and feel like chopping off all your hair for no reason. It's one of those days. CRAY CRAY!

If I say I'm fully recovered that would be a lie because there's no effing cure for this. However I think I am more stable now than before, just not knowing when shit is gonna hit the fan again. I was so happy yesterday making meals and baking pie for dinner and waking up feeling so wonderful and shit took a 180 degree turn today as I wake up feeling like shit. Gosh this is horrible.

Anyway back to some life events update - went to Six Flags last weekend and got sunburnt! Dang it. I feel very bad because I don't think I did a good job organizing everything but everyone said they were pleased and happy. Still.. i don't know.. Fucking depression argh..

I don't know why I am feeling blue right now

you know you found your best friend when he bought u a gun knowing you have suicidal symptom :)

Duckface with Noah. FAILED

Homemade lasagna

Drinking with Uli AGAIN

Watched 'Only God Forgives' - most pretentious art film ever. 

homemade lime pie

Livin' in the Moment

Summer has been kicking my ass! So much works to juggle between three classes and a part time job. But I'm loving every moment of it. I doubt I would say that a month ago, but hey that's life - you just never know what is going to happen next. Couple headlines for the past few days had been very cloudy but I hope things are going to get better from there. To conclude them all, life does matter and I am grateful for that.  For now just let me share what have I been up to for the past few weeks.

Protesting for Trayvon Martin. LIFE DOES MATTER!

4th of July Potluck! Failed group photo with only 5 people out of 15 :)

Ending Naancie's birthday at a karaoke

Drunk with Uliana. Again

Tried my first creme. Yum!

Acme toast with mimosa for brunch. Fucking 30 dollars gone. YOLO

Redo an old assignment for the sake of painting. Love the outcome

Went hiking at Bernal Hill. Love mother nature!

Took my first caltrain (aka bullet train of Cali) ride to San Jose

Jogged an hour to Palace of Fine Art #WORTHIT

made Trey ate cow's stomach at Sunny's hotpot dinner 

chocolate soufflé! Must save up for Paris! 

Time to go to bed! This week is gonna be even more hectic with plans of going around more due to work and whats not. Wednesday can't come sooner! Looking forward to Sixflags/ Pacific Rim 2.0/ Live Porn/ Roadtrip/ Driving Test/ Local License... SEPTEMBER
(P/S: Level of awesomeness is hitting all time high. No drugs involved.)

Symbiosis

Half my life I've been having issues trusting people completely. I'm 100% sure it stems from my childhood and all that mess I experienced in life. I think people in general are just using me as a tool. Truth is - it is the truth.

However, not one person till today has told me it is okay to be a tool. In fact - that makes you valuable. I am really happy today because I have found someone who sees values in me. You told me its okay to feel how I feel because we all are living based on symbiosis relationships. I should still have faith in people despite all these parasites who were drowning my life and that was really stupid of me to actually allow them to bring me down.

I am officially ending my great depression today. Life has been nothing but great and I'm grateful for finding someone who I can share my joy with. :) I'm not saying I won't get upset but I will try my best to stay happy. I know I can do it because now I know someone will have my back if I fall. You found me when I was at the lowest point of my life but I sure as hell will improve to be the best version of me anyone will ever seen.

Only four words to sum up how I feel now - 非常幸福

Nightmare

Once again I found myself waking up 3 in the morning because of terrifying nightmare. I woke up feeling choked and haunted. Cold sweats. Got nowhere else to express my fear therefore here am I. Dear internet, you have become my new best friend.

Relief

Relief was always a good thing - back in school when a teacher comes in and tells us its relief period, its always the most cheerful moment.

Fast forward seven years later, relief has became a luxury that we can't afford in a daily basis. Work, school and taking care of ourselves - basically finding a relief time takes well organizing and planning in order to make it happen. It's like finding unicorns for people who aren't details-oriented like me.

Some may suggest, just take the easy way and quit your job if its drowning you. But the bigger question here is actually not my job. I was unhappy even before I begun this horrible journey of being mistreated. This job is just an extra kick to what was already bound to happen. This is the same dilemma I had over and over again for the course of the past few years. I am losing my balance. I feel suffocated. Things are changing and I can't control it. Can't do nothing about it.

Therefore, I came up with a solution. This really has nothing to do with anyone or anything. I am just trying to make myself less miserable. I'm tired of looking for listeners and being angry all the time. I know I am the only one who can help myself out of this misery. It was really nice to have a few of you who really cared for me at one point of my life. Really grateful for that. If you are reading this, I am doing you guys one last big favor. I am on my own now. Peace out!