Livin' in the Moment

Summer has been kicking my ass! So much works to juggle between three classes and a part time job. But I'm loving every moment of it. I doubt I would say that a month ago, but hey that's life - you just never know what is going to happen next. Couple headlines for the past few days had been very cloudy but I hope things are going to get better from there. To conclude them all, life does matter and I am grateful for that.  For now just let me share what have I been up to for the past few weeks.

Protesting for Trayvon Martin. LIFE DOES MATTER!

4th of July Potluck! Failed group photo with only 5 people out of 15 :)

Ending Naancie's birthday at a karaoke

Drunk with Uliana. Again

Tried my first creme. Yum!

Acme toast with mimosa for brunch. Fucking 30 dollars gone. YOLO

Redo an old assignment for the sake of painting. Love the outcome

Went hiking at Bernal Hill. Love mother nature!

Took my first caltrain (aka bullet train of Cali) ride to San Jose

Jogged an hour to Palace of Fine Art #WORTHIT

made Trey ate cow's stomach at Sunny's hotpot dinner 

chocolate soufflé! Must save up for Paris! 

Time to go to bed! This week is gonna be even more hectic with plans of going around more due to work and whats not. Wednesday can't come sooner! Looking forward to Sixflags/ Pacific Rim 2.0/ Live Porn/ Roadtrip/ Driving Test/ Local License... SEPTEMBER
(P/S: Level of awesomeness is hitting all time high. No drugs involved.)

Symbiosis

Half my life I've been having issues trusting people completely. I'm 100% sure it stems from my childhood and all that mess I experienced in life. I think people in general are just using me as a tool. Truth is - it is the truth.

However, not one person till today has told me it is okay to be a tool. In fact - that makes you valuable. I am really happy today because I have found someone who sees values in me. You told me its okay to feel how I feel because we all are living based on symbiosis relationships. I should still have faith in people despite all these parasites who were drowning my life and that was really stupid of me to actually allow them to bring me down.

I am officially ending my great depression today. Life has been nothing but great and I'm grateful for finding someone who I can share my joy with. :) I'm not saying I won't get upset but I will try my best to stay happy. I know I can do it because now I know someone will have my back if I fall. You found me when I was at the lowest point of my life but I sure as hell will improve to be the best version of me anyone will ever seen.

Only four words to sum up how I feel now - 非常幸福

Nightmare

Once again I found myself waking up 3 in the morning because of terrifying nightmare. I woke up feeling choked and haunted. Cold sweats. Got nowhere else to express my fear therefore here am I. Dear internet, you have become my new best friend.

Relief

Relief was always a good thing - back in school when a teacher comes in and tells us its relief period, its always the most cheerful moment.

Fast forward seven years later, relief has became a luxury that we can't afford in a daily basis. Work, school and taking care of ourselves - basically finding a relief time takes well organizing and planning in order to make it happen. It's like finding unicorns for people who aren't details-oriented like me.

Some may suggest, just take the easy way and quit your job if its drowning you. But the bigger question here is actually not my job. I was unhappy even before I begun this horrible journey of being mistreated. This job is just an extra kick to what was already bound to happen. This is the same dilemma I had over and over again for the course of the past few years. I am losing my balance. I feel suffocated. Things are changing and I can't control it. Can't do nothing about it.

Therefore, I came up with a solution. This really has nothing to do with anyone or anything. I am just trying to make myself less miserable. I'm tired of looking for listeners and being angry all the time. I know I am the only one who can help myself out of this misery. It was really nice to have a few of you who really cared for me at one point of my life. Really grateful for that. If you are reading this, I am doing you guys one last big favor. I am on my own now. Peace out!

Fear

I think I am finally catching up with my age lately. Not only I can't stay up all night, I started to be less productive, less fun and most importantly, I stop taking risk.

Is it really due to my age? Perhaps. But right now, I can only relate it to responsibility and fear. I almost don't remember how I did it the first time when I left this place filled with familiar faces and routes. I was very determined and strong hearted back then. Why am I having this hesitation this time around? It's clearly not my first time bidding farewell to people I love.

Fear has started to conquer me in a way I guess. I am afraid of losing a lot of stuffs lately - stuffs that didn't bother me when I first decided to put everything behind and venture into a whole new place by myself. This summer made me realized how much I actually placed on the table in exchange for a better future. I doubt if this future that seems so perfect will ever become a reality - or more importantly, do I see anyone from the present in the picture?

I used to think that - if you have a good life, e.g. nice job, nice car, nice house, the rest will just follow suits. However, I've been questioning myself as of lately - what if everything does come to life, but there's no one to share the joy with me?

I once heard this short story - a father wanted to make his family happy for life. So he set a goal to make a lot of money to bring happiness to his family. He started working real hard in order to provide a better life to the ones he loves. Day and night he worked without really having any interaction with his wife and kids because he was really determined to bring in more comfort to his family. His wife and kids were always having dinner without their husband and father because he'll be at work. Soon they all left. The father was really angry and upset. Why would they left someone who is trying his best to provide everything they needed?

I think this is a great example of how people lose track on their way to search for happiness. Sometimes its not about how delicious a food taste - its the experience - cooking together and creating memories are what makes the food taste better than it was.

I'm not sure if I am on the right path to bring in more happiness to the people around me - or I'm just simply drowning everyone while I blindly think this is the best I could do. I'm just not sure anymore.

Distance is all I am feeling lately.

是我勇敢太久